Lost..

I have this fascination in being lost.. I wanna get away! Run away.. I want to be somewhere that I can find peace. Be gone.. Where I don't have to mind the things that's been troubling me day in, day out. Where I can do the things that I really wanted to do, without minding what it will do to the people I care for. Where nobody can point out what should and should not be done. A place with total silence.. Alone with just my thoughts. Thinking about all the wonderful things in the world. And completely forgetting about the troubling things.

I want to see a different world. A world full of life and beauty.. Where nothing seems out of place. Everything is where it should be, everything is in place. Everything belongs.

Everyday, I thought of wanting to be like Margo from Paper Towns. Her drive, her will, her strength, and her spontaneity.. I want to have those things. Or to be like Amy from Gone Girl. Not the psychopathic side of her, but to be as clever and mischievous as her.

I just badly want to disappear! But I want to feel alive. I don't want to feel this emptiness anymore. I want to live a life that I can call mine. This life that has been especially given to me.. To give justice for this gift. I want to redeem myself. So that I can be the version of myself that I'm always fantasizing to be in my head.

What's keeping me awake..

So, I've been feeling empty for some time now.. I don't know where or to whom I can vent these thoughts to. Nothing seems to be going the way it's supposed to be. I can't find any reason to be motivated. Sure, my family's always there. But aside from them, I can't find anything worth living for. It kinda makes me feel guilty thinking about things like this. That's the problem with me, I always think. I JUST THINK. I don't really do much or do anything at all about these thoughts. I cannot act upon it because I don't really know what should be done or how and when to start.

 I can't remember when it all started. Or what caused this, really. I don't even know what the problem is. I just feel it. The emptiness. It's like, I can never be satisfied with whatever's been given to me. There's always something missing. I just don't know exactly what it is. I'm slowly losing hope. Hope that I can someday redeem myself. On how can I make up for the things I've done and should've done. How will I ever be truly happy in this life. Seems like I will never know..